We Like People Who Weren't Murdered

I'm done with Walter White & Frank Underwood. I'm done with Tony Soprano & Nucky Thompson. I'm done with Jax Teller, and yes even 'good guy' gone serial killer, Dexter. Men who beat, rape, and murder. Who are sexist, racist, and will do anything to stomp out anyone in their path to get their own way. Somehow- these men- these evil, evil men- have been written into the fabric of modern entertainment story-lines as people we can relate to; people we at times are even encouraged to route for. When did the anti-hero become the new hero? I for one, am done.

I don't want to route for the bad guy anymore. 

Because this morning when I logged onto Facebook,  the first alerts and images I saw were of a real life bad guy. As I scrolled through my Facebook feed, he was everywhere I looked. This man  had just shot 2 dead, and wounded eight others. Their faces, their stories, I did not yet know. But his, his was everywhere. Already immortalized because he ruthlessly and senselessly murdered strangers in a movie theatre and then took his own life in the process rather than face justice for his crimes.

Of Vietnam POW John McCain, Donald Trump quipped sarcastically recently, "He is not a war hero...he's a hero because he was captured. I like people who weren't captured." And sadly, there's a sting to what he said that goes beyond dishonoring McCain or other prisoners of war. Sadly, we seem to say it to victims and their families every time a tragedy like the recent Lafayette shooting occurs. Whether I want to or not, I will forever remember the face of the Aurora shooter, the Columbine boys, and Charles Manson. But, I cannot remember what even one Sandy Hook victim looked like. Why?

Because, we Americans, we like people who weren't murdered. That's who keeps showing up again and again in the stories we tell, in news feeds and history lessons- in music, in pictures, in films. The anti-hero staring at us again and again, article after article with a depraved, satisfied expression. We're telling ourselves whether we realize it or not: THIS is what it looks like to be on top, to have power, to enjoy life, to avoid being the victim. It's painful to think of the alternative: that we feel powerless against senseless acts of violence committed repeatedly and randomly against innocent people in this country. It's painful to actually stare into the faces of victims and realize- they are the faces of those we should have valued enough in the first place to end this terror. To vote in favor of policies and protections which would prevent these kinds of senseless tragedies in the future. It's scary to think that they are the ones WE would actually resemble should a tragedy like this hit close to home. Victims for no other reason than for being in the wrong place at the wrong time. Everyday people with simple, everyday worries and joys- decidedly undramatic and un-newsworthy.

Unless we choose to stop reading, choose to stop watching, choose to stop secretly admiring and romancing the anti-hero- he will continue to creep up in our Newsfeeds and on our TV screens. Luring us into a false sense of what it means to be strong and safe in this country.  Let's fight for what is right and what is good. Let's remember the victims and their families and remember, with clarity, that it very well could have been (and still could be) any one of us. Let's end, once and for all our toxic, toxic relationship with the anti-hero. Who has never, and never will be, any kind of hero at all.

HELP!

I recently was talking with a friend from another country. She said something that stuck with me, so I thought I'd share it with you.

She said that once her son was running up a busy street in our city. He passed many well meaning adults on the busy sidewalk, but no one thought to stop him. Instead, every adult he passed just looked helpless as she chased down her son, afraid he'd run into the street. She said in Norway, if a kid were running from his parents like that, other adults would step in, would help her. But, in the US,  she's learned we've all become afraid of the consequences of stepping in. She was on her own.

I thought of her yesterday, as my son in just a few seconds, had darted dangerously toward the street. I was screaming my lungs out and sprinting toward him, but he only thought that was all the more funny and he kept lunging toward the street.

Luckily the driver driving towards us on the street that day had his window open and heard my blood curdling screeching. But, even as I saw the car driving toward my son slowing to a stop, I was worried that any car behind him would simply speed around, not see my son, and hit him.

As I ran toward him, I hoped, I prayed that the person who had slowed down their car would actually stop, get out, and grab my son before he kept running across the road. But, I knew in my heart that that scenario was unlikely.  Strangers don't often step in such an aggressive way. It's just too risky. What if they're not wanted?

I once held my newborn baby in my arms, and slipped, falling with her in my arms. As I was about to fall to the ground, face forward with her in my arms, the man I was walking with faltered, not knowing if he should catch me.  When I got up, I said to him, "Why didn't you help?" And he said, "I'm sorry, you're such a strong, independent woman. I didn't know if you'd want my help."

"When a baby is about to be dropped on the ground, don't ask, just help!" I said. We both had a good laugh, but it's true. Are we really so afraid of not being wanted that we can't grab a toddler running into the street? That we can't catch a falling baby before she hits cement?

Next time you're in a situation where there's real danger, when someone could be hurt, when you're stepping in is desperately needed but you're not sure it's wanted- error on the side of helping. Truly, if someone's life is on the line, help first, then check in.

As it turns out, my son didn't run all the way into the road. I sprinted toward him and in one split second (thank God) he decided to turn and laugh- coaxing me to come closer before speeding off again. I gained on him and swooped him up just in time. But, things could have gone a completely different way, and if they had, it wouldn't have hurt to have help.

Do Your Part

The first day after a death, the new absence

Is always the same. We should be careful

Of each other, we should be kind

While there is still time. -Phillip Larkin

I’m feeling so very tender about world events right now. Gaza, Syria, Iraq, Africa.  That another human being's last moments can be filled with such sickness, grief, violence, torture, and despair at the hands of another human being anywhere in the world brings me to my knees with deep grief and repentance. It makes me feel that my own life is so very small, so incredibly fragile.

I'm feeling very tender about the suicide of Robin Williams and the recent suicide of missing Oregon wife and mother of 2, Jennifer Huston. That there is a force so dark it can cause someone with so much depth, love, and joy in their life to end it all is heartbreaking. My fear is that I cannot tell another person ‘it gets better’ because I haven’t walked their walk, and I honestly don’t know that it does. It makes me feel helpless to love as well as I'd like to, those who are walking through life right beside me, hurting in silence.

This world is terribly, terribly broken. I am so terribly, terribly broken.

Lord, have mercy on me, a sinner.

The worst part is, we all want to believe that if we had done something differently, the tragedies we see in our lives and on the news could have been avoided. We comb through the history of our own lives, and the history of mankind with this lens. If we have the best intentions, subscribe to the right political ideology, or champion the most effective child-rearing philosophy we can move through life without ever having to experience the grief inflicted by simply doing life with other hurting people.

But, the people closest to any tragedy know differently. They know that they did everything they could, and yet still here they are: sitting right in the middle of the devastation. Future prevention, present postulations, all the meaning making in the world doesn’t make it hurt any less. Doesn’t make this one tragedy, this one loss any more or less real.

Here we are, right in the center of the darkness.

Times like these, I feel desperate to end suffering for those I love and for those I don’t even know. And yet, I feel helpless to do a single thing about it for even one person I know, let alone the millions around the world I cannot possibly reach.That my mark on this world is so unremarkable is both soul-crushing and liberating. The fact remains, I am far less powerful than I want to believe. And yet the solution for me is this simple: do my part. Let go of the need to see any tangible evidence that my life, or my efforts mattered. To give beauty for ashes, that’s God’s job, not mine.

Create in me a clean heart, O God

and renew a right spirit within me.

Do your part. Just give. Just love. Just serve. Right now. You don’t need to know why or how or if what you do will even make a difference. Have faith that it will, and let it go.Today I will kiss my baby’s fat, sweaty feet. Hold my husband a little longer. Go to therapy. Learn more about suicide prevention and depression. Buy a friend flowers for her doorstep. Choose to shop in places where my money does more good than harm. Donate money to organizations that are sending relief in Syria, Iraq, Gaza, and Africa.  

Because, a changed heart (more tender, more open, right here, right now),  is the only candle I have to light in the darkness of it all.

Around the Campfire: Lessons Learned From Finally Meeting My Neighbors

Love this guest post from my dear Sister in Law, Erin Smith, on the power of an simple, spontaneous get together to build community.

"My husband and I are guilty of nicknaming our neighbors.  We live in close proximity not to the Johnsons, Garcias, and Potters, but to the “Secret Millionaire,” the “People with the Mean Dog,” and the “Family with Ridiculously Loud Cars.” 

 

We’ve made up monikers for the majority of our neighbors either because we can’t remember what they said when we were introduced, or, I’m sad to say, because we simply have just not made an effort to meet them.  Don’t get me wrong—we’re friendly.  We wave and say hi to everyone regardless of whether we’ve met them or not.  But sometimes after waving to the same stranger day after day, it just makes sense to meet them.  And give them a real name.

 

Backyard fires are all the rage around here.  Nearly every house in the neighborhood has a fire pit, and last weekend our neighbors invited us and several other families over for s’mores and conversation.  We were able to put REAL names to faces, learn more about our neighbors than just the kind of car they drive, and hear interesting tidbits about what our neighborhood was like before we moved in.  It was a good time all around, and such a simple thing to do.  With or without the s’mores, a fire establishes a laid back atmosphere and immediately eliminates any pressure that might exist say over a dinner table or game night. 

 

If you live in an area where you’re permitted to have fires in your yard, try inviting over some neighbors you don’t know very well and see what happens.  I have a feeling you will be as pleasantly surprised as we were."

Too Much Stuff?

Do you have too much stuff? Are you drowning in a sea of your own clutter? And/or is there something you need/want that you can't afford to buy? Are you sick of having to allocate a budget for clothes or other appliances and household items that just take up too much space in your home?

Here are 3 strategies for reducing clutter and having a more communal approach to stuff:

Lend/borrow.
Do you have a growing collection of books or DVD's? An industrial strength lawnmower? An unused instrument? Power tools?  Lend them to someone who you know could use them.  And, rethink buying every item you need to use.  Instead consider borrowing from a friend, family member, or neighbor.  It reduces clutter, it's good for the environment, and your pocket book, too.

Trade.
Host a clothing swap with your neighbors, swap babysitting, rearrange furniture. Offer your old book case for a neighbor's old coffee table.

Gift/Pass on.
Is there something you own that don't need or want anymore that you know could make someone else's life easier or better.  Stop holding onto it and give it away.  You'll appreciate the extra space in your own home and you'll make someone else's day.

The Problem With This Vs. That

Something has been bothering me lately.  The recent debate with Bill Nye the Science Guy and creationist Ken Ham has little soundbite infographics erupting all over my Facebook feed.  

It’s convenient to believe the opposing team is less educated, less thoughtful, less engaged with the world than you are.  But, if creationist are really the blubbering idiots the media makes them out to be, then how is this a worthy debate.  Why are so many ‘team science’ people even engaging in a dialogue?  Is it to truly learn something from the opposing side or is it just to obliterate a perceived opponent.  If it’s the latter, I wonder...

What’s the REAL issue?  If the facts really are irrefutable, why not let the facts speak for themselves?  Why even engage in the debate?  I have to wonder, if the debate really has nothing to do with the age of the earth or the origin of our ancestors, but instead is rooted in questions like:

Does God exist?

Why are we here?

What is our purpose?

Because the truth is, those question do not have scientific, provable answers. Their answers exist beyond the bounds of what’s rational or reasonable.  So, instead, we seek answers to questions about the age of the earth, and our relationship to it.

What are your motives?  Is it to truly learn something or is it simply to make your point?

What is the point?

Before engaging in the debate, ask yourself, what you stand to gain from engaging in the debate?  Again, most often when I engage in a debate it’s because I want to be right.  But, I think the true point of discussion and debate is to learn from one another.

Do you have a worthy opponent?  If the answer to this is no, then I would ask you to consider WHY you believe your opponent is not worthy?  (Perhaps this question will lead you to consider your own bias and prejudice.) If you cannot arrive at a point where you think the person sitting across from you is worthy, I would argue you should not engage in the debate at all.  Believing that someone else is the problem and that you yourself are not, means you are suggesting you also cannot and are not part of the solution.  It’s a cop out.

Is your position in this argument more important to you than the person/people with whom you’re arguing?

I hate when an opponent is made to look like a fool.  This happens so often in our culture, that we don’t even think twice about the price of this kind of social bullying.  But, for instance, when it comes to something like the vaccine debate, I am so sad to see the way that both sides portray one another.  I want to believe that all parents involved are doing their best to make informed decisions about their children.  And, yes, the stakes are high for making the ‘wrong’ choice- but the people making those choices are doing so with the information and resources available to them-in order to do what they believe is best.  What if we started with that assumption when entering a debate.  How would the conversation look different? What would we learn?

Are you actually listening to the person with whom you’re debating, or simply looking for loopholes in their argument to disprove or discredit them? Seek first to understand, then to be understood.  It’s only from that place that you will learn anything, and it’s only from that place your ‘opponent’ will be able to hear anything you say.

Are you preaching to the choir?  After the evolution vs. science debate, I found my Facebook feed was blowing up with people posting memes and infographics blasting creationists.  In every case, the images posted racked up lots of support.  Tons of likes and lots of comments to support the idea that the creationists in the debate were idiots and fools.  I often find this is a case with a hot button issue.  We speak and write about issues that we’re passionate about only when we’re sure the audience we’re speaking with will receive the information and agree with us.  The problem is, you rarely learn anything from people who are exactly like you.  It’s our differences and our attempts to engage with and understand one another that help us to learn and grow.

Loved this piece on the issue.

8 Signs You're Fat Shaming Your Daughter (And Why You Need to Stop)

8 Signs You’re Fat Shaming Your Daughter

If you’re doing any one of these things, stop now!  Our daughters, as much as our sons, deserve a life free from judgment and shame.  Women and girls deserve to be seen and heard, and not reduced to objects.

Here are 8 signs you’re fat shaming your daughter:

You put your daughter on diets. Forbid certain foods on the basis of her weight. Or, worst of all, call her out for eating foods you disapprove of.

You voice your contempt of your own body openly in front of your daughter, in hopes you can influence your daughter’s treatment of her own body.

You compare your body with your daughter’s. (EVEN if and when you do so in what you think is a positive way, “I wish I were thin, like YOU.  Your body is perfect, I’m such a fatty.”)

You withhold affection or approval of your daughter as a form of discipline.

You talk about celebrities weight gain and loss when watching television programs or movies.

You discuss friends or family members weight and appearance.

You compliment/criticize your daughter for her clothes, shoes, hair, body more than any other characteristic or accomplishment.

You compliment/criticize your female friends/family/acquaintances more than any other characteristic or accomplishment.

I believe that this is happening in many homes where parents are well-meaning and are loving, kind people who do not know better. We all know that there are societal pay-offs for girls who are attractive. Parents want what's best for the kids, and on a sub-conscious level, I think at times, that leads them to push unrealistic standards of attractiveness on their daughters. But at what cost? 

Together, we can stop fat shaming and the objectification of women and girls. Think of the time and energy girls and women waste everyday feeling bad about perfectly healthy, beautiful bodies because of the intense scrutiny society places on us to be thin and 'flawless.' Let's rise up as a community of people who will not stand for this form of societal bullying. It starts in our own homes.